I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
