May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
