i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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