508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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