oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
