If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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