why do cheetos always look like penises
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
