hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
