Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We were destined to go to rehab together
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
