she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
