first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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