Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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