you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
