i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
