he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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