She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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