he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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