I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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