Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
