today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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