I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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