Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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