2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
