why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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