Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
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I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
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Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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