now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
