I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
your like the ambassador to my penis.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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