did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
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Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
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A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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