Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
