I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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