alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
