I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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