Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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