the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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