I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Randomize
