I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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