You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
