it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
