Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
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