Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
