'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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