What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
