I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
