i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Your cock deserves a montage
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Randomize
