just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
