I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Randomize
