i jhust puked up my retainher.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize