end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
