I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
