I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
