I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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