I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
