thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
