Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
