I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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